First time I published this post was in February 2014. I have updated it and I am sharing again just because 🙂 – Abigail
My mum used to talk about a kind of relationship which she tagged “Lagos Marriage”. By her definition, it means meeting a guy or a lady in Lagos – which is far from our village in Abia state – falling in love and marrying them without bothering about the type of family the person comes from. It is premised around the belief that the man and the woman are the ones getting married and so it does not matter whether their family approve or not. After all, at the end of the day, it is the man and the woman that will get to stay together.
“Lagos Marriage”, what it is.
I guess what my mother was trying to explain in her own way is the modern concept of marriage without background checks that ‘enlightened’ people, (We now call them ‘Woke’) subscribe to. A lady can meet a guy or vice versa, and they both begin to live together before they decide whether they want or if they want the extended family to know about the relationship.
Even when introductions are done, it doesn’t matter what or how other members of their family are. It is inconsequential whether they are a family of drop-outs, drunkards, wife-beaters, emotional manipulators, thieves or any other vice, as long as both parties are ‘angels’.
Of course, back in the day when parents chose wives for their sons and husbands for their daughters, it was imperative that a background check is run by both families before they agree to the union. Though some of these checks bordered on the eccentric and mundane, I believe that it is very important that such a check be carried out before any marriage is contracted.
Why you need a parent to run a background check
I am a believer in parents playing an important role in selecting who their children will end up with. Yes, I am aware some parents can go overboard with this. But that is a peculiar situation. If such is the case, seeking out an “adopting” an older person as a parent will serve the same purpose. Bottom line is to allow an older person’s wisdom and foresight to guide one through inexperience.
Running background checks have saved lives. Whether we accept it or not, studies have picked out groups of genes associated with intelligence, academic achievement, criminal activity and other life outcomes. With this in mind, it becomes imperative to look beyond the person you are marrying and learn something about where they come from. If a lady has been raised by materialistic parents, there is a higher risk that she will be materialistic. If a boy has been raised in an unloving home, he has greater potentials of being unloving. This does not mean that these people cannot make good spouses, it only means that you are entering the relationship if you choose to, knowing what you are up against.
In other related matters…
Running background checks helps you determine who your would-be spouse would listen to should your marriage run into troubled waters. No one really prays for a troubled marriage. But the fact remains that in marriage there are troubles. Jesus’s apostle Paul even said that those who marry will have tribulation in their flesh. When things go awfully wrong, there should be someone in the family that either the husband or wife can turn to, as a last resort to help in resolving their issues.
So, if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to have anything good to say about any member of his family or who generally does not have anyone else he or she can talk to when you are not accessible, it is a sign of trouble. I will advise that you run. No degree of modernism should make it acceptable for you to get into a relationship with someone who does not have someone on earth whom they respect, fear or will listen to.
While it is still okay if the person’s authority figure is not within his immediate family, the fact remains that it is imperative that such an authority figure should exist. And no, I do not buy the idea of “the only person I fear is God”. Right here on earth, anyone who wants to go into marriage should understand that he or she has to be subject to some human authority. It shows love for your mate for you to point out to them who these individuals are so that if anything ever happens that requires that an outsider step in to resolve your issues they know who to turn to.
So, what do you think? Are background checks important in a relationship?